The World According to Student Bloopers
"The World According to Student Bloopers"
by Richard Lederer, St. Paul’s School
NOTE: You will need to have at least some knowledge of the Bible stories and the history of mankind
to understand all of this.
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history teacher is receiving the occasional jewel
of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following “history” of the world (in two
parts) from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States,
from eighth grade through college freshman level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelledby Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areasof the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of theBible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, onceasked, “Am I my brother’s son?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son ofIsaac, stole his brother’s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs,but they did not take to it. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where theymade unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterward, Moses went up on MountCyanide to get the 10 commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomn, one of David’ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns – Corinthian,Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achillesdipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homeralso wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socratesdied from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits andthrew the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democraticbecause people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains wereso high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought withthe Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed inone place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesarextinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thoughthe was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playingthe fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery.King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by BernardShaw and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that nofree man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, whowrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot anarrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Lutherwas nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made himthe father of the Renaissance. It was the age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented theBible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important inventionwas the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had anabbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabethexposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated theSpanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made money and is famousonly for his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. Inone of Shakespear’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attaching his manhood. Romeo andJuliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife diedand he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered Americawhile cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, thePilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock,they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabscarried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, whichproved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and manybabies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonistswould send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere wasthrowing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonistswon the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Bostoncarrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity byrubbing cats backwards and declared “a horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then theConstitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution thepeople enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was bornin a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silkhat. He said, “In onion there is strength.” Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while travellingfrom Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation,and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher andlynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to thetheatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator wasJohn Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrotea book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, whenthe apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italianand half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even thoughhe was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone wascalling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. TheMarseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During theNapoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas camedown from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was verytense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, shecouldn't bear children.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in theWest. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finallythe end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboatcaused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the workof a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis.Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And KarlMarx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in theanals of human history.